My mind has been a little mixed up recently. I've had some

very disturbing nightmares. The movie Silent Hill, as much

EVERYONE I know hates it, fascinates me because much of

the imagery in it is the stuff of my nightmares. That over

sized, creepy Pyramid guy & his violent actions are pretty

much something my mind would conjure up. Something is

up with me, I know what it is I guess, just don't know how

to deal with it.

Julie and I are doing great, despite the miscarriage. Things

are looking up and I've been a happy camper as of late,

even on Thanksgiving I was thinking how I should count my

blessings.

But there's this "thing" looming over my head... I feel very

helpless and angry and depressed about it and since I can

not turn back time I'm helpless to stop/change it.

Some background:

A few months ago, late August of this year, when I was

still working as a Chevrolet & Cadillac salesman I got a

call on a hot, humid day. I opened up my Razor cell phone

in the 100* heat, my leather shoes seemed to melt into

the black asphalt. My heart dropped in my chest when

my dad announced that my grandmother had passed on.

I remember consoling myself with internal dialogue after I

got off the phone with my dad. I rememeber thinking, as I

leaned into the side of a white-diamond Escalade, that

she had a good, full life.

Born in 1920 she had seen it all. As a little girl she used to

tell us, there were still people who considered the Bicycle

to be an un-holy invention, calling it a DEVIL'S WHEEL.

These senior citizens of the 1920s were born in the early-

to mid 1800s. My grandmother saw WWII, her husband

almost killed by Russian soldiers when they stole his

Mercedes-Benz truck for the "war effort", and communist

cause, crippling his business, & perhaps forever his spirit.

The less rude, typically polite German soldiers of WWII

passed through her yard & house as well, in most cases

without disturbing the civilian population.

She had seen the Communist Russians again pass through

a civilian population in the revolution of 1968. Using tanks

and helicopters to gain submission of the masses. The

disgusting hypocraqcy of communism crushing their hopes

of a semi-democratic goverment.

So on that day, having found out my grandmother had

passed on at 87, I took a small amount of consolation

in that she had a long and interesting life. I just hoped

that she had died peacefully, without pain or suffering.

But how WRONG I was.

In the interest of sparing me of grief and emotional pain

my dad had decided to not give me the whole story.

The sad, cold and distrubing truth is that my 87 year old

grandmother was killed violently, at the hands of some

piece of $h! juvenile delinquent.

She was slain in her own home, her throat cut by a 14

year old kid who had broken into her home.

My aunt and cousin came to visit and found her in a

pool of blood. We always joked that she would live to be

a hundred like so many elderly people who keep talking

about the end.

To make matters worse this little piece of $h! 14 year

old kid, the youngest person ever to be tried in Slovakia

for murder. 14 years old and he commits a violent

murder after a history of crime and a troubled past. And

in the end the little $h! will be out of jail before he

turns 30. They gave him 15 years.

15 years!?!?!?!?!?!?

So yeah, I've had a lot of nightmares. There's nothing I

can do to help my grandmother, her pain & suffering

were useless and unnecessary & now it's all past-tense.

I'm trying to stop the violent thoughts in my head but

honestly I'd like to go Dexter on this little piece of

$h!. The other day I watched the movie 300 and all I

could think of was that this scumbag is still alive, and

not only will he not get the death penalty but in 15

years he'll be out in society, possibly to kill again.

That's it I guess.... feels somewhat better to get it all

out but like I said, I need to get some closure, my

parents attended the funeral but I could not. I need

to somehow get over this, to move on, think healty

thoughts etc. The other day downloaded a violent

video of some terrorists beheading an innocent hostage

and watched it, the morbid images making me feel even

more depressed and hollow, all whie picturing that little

filthy murderer in the victim's place.

Anyone here ever been through something simillar?

Edited November 24, 200718 yr by Sixty8panther

Wow 68, I simply don't know what to say.

Terrible thing.

Just don't let it eat you.

im sorry man..

while i dont really believe in karma, i believe people like that will get something coming to them... he'll get what he deserves

Wow... that's terrible

Just another country with a joke justice system when it comes to punishing criminals... Canada's just as bad. Sometimes I envy you Yanks.... You've got a good justice system.

Condolences 68.

Oh Sylvester, I am so sorry. I would be so full of the reddest, blackest anger at what happened. But it wouldn't help me or her memory to feel that way. Still, I'd burn. I hope time helps you recover.

I am so sorry. I can only imagine your pain sir. Just know we all have experienced a great injustice at one time or another. I am sorry that this happened to you and what you are going through. Please understand you are not alone. I have had a rough time too on many levels( 2006 and 2007) and I am hoping for a better 2008. I make the effort every day despite the things that have come against me personally. I have not talked about them here because sometimes, it is better not to say anything and deal with your battles.

I feel you that you have pain. Some therapy might help. You will continue to dream about this until you deal with this. There is no shame in getting help to cope with the pain of your loss.

May peace finally be with you and your loss sir.

Thanks guys.... I appreciate it.

'07 was a great year in some ways, but so much violance

has touched upon my life this year, indirectly mostly.

A local man just murdered his wife on Thanksgiving and

then took their son in their Corolla and crashed head-on

into a Mack truck in hopes of killing himself & his 6 year

old son.

They both lived, and the son described in detail how his

dad "hurt" his mom... who was stabbed to death.

So many of us humans are just animals with driver's

licenses and slightly evolved communication skills.

That's just horrible Sixty8, I'm so sorry to hear that's how she passed on, she didn't deserve it. It's aggravating that the little $h! will only get 15 years, personally I think people like him deserve a punishment equal to the crime they commit.

Still, you have to let it go, because it's not healthy for you and I'm sure she wouldn't want to you be tearing yourself apart inside, she would rather you be happy and enjoy life. Hope things get better for you man.

I'm so sorry Sixty8...that's awful. My deepest sympathies to you and yours.

Wow, that is terrible....

If it was me, I just might go nuts.....

But in order to keep yourself healthy, you need to just let it go.

For Juile.

For your family.

Don't let a bout of hate ruin your love for others. Sorry if it sounds a bit corney.....

Try to be at peace, and remember what goes around....

I am speechless. That is horrible.

I think you need a good ride in B-59 for a while.

I'm at a loss here 68....truly, this is a horrible story, and I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. As far as your nightmares are concerned, thoughts such as the ones you are describing are obviously due to the rage you feel towards thats 14 year old piece of $h!. If you continue to let it fester inside you and eat away at your sanity, little by little...it's going to ruin your life. Nothing can take away the pain you feel and the anger inside, you have to put the past to rest (in time) and learn to channel your anger and rage and make it a positive. Enjoy spending time with your family, take the time to do that 'walk in the park' with your wife...all the things you might normally put off for one more day. I've allowed my anger and rage to ruin my life, my family has turned their backs on me, and my fiance left me. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, just try to find peace within yourself, because otherwise these next 15 years are going to go from bad to worst. I hope I'm making sense.

Awful, terrible... no words.

Peace to your heart & your soul, S, and your family's.

Terrible news... my condolences.

Hope you can find good ways to deal with it. Feel free to vent here anytime, and I'm sure there are some members here who will have advice for you.

Damn man, that really sucks. I don't blame you for feeling like you do, but it's not healthy to keep it all pent up inside. Find something to relax you and make you think about all the good things you have and remember that she's in a better place.

My condolences!

I'm sorry to hear that man.

I won't say I've been where you're at but I've definitely felt that same violent tension; and wanted to act on it.

In fact, I probably would seriously consider hurting that little bastard really bad. BUT the reality of the situation is that if you were to hurt him or kill him, it'd just make your life worse and I think we both know that your grandmother wouldn't want you suffering for a large protion of your life.

I know this is going to sound cliche, but it's a lesson I learned the hard way as I was a very angry person for a very long time. I would recommend volunteering or helping someone out, especially if it's complete strangers. The reason for this is 3 fold:

1) All that anger inside of you is energy and it will continue to build and eat at you until something gives. More likely than not, when that something does give, it'll be a negative expression of the energy either focused at someone or at yourself. By volunteering, you can take all that energy and turn it into passion to help people. It manifests in a positive way and produces literal benefits at the same time.

2) To dispell your disgust with the actions of others. I find myself watching the news and just being horrified at some of the murders and crimes people commit; sometimes they affect me really bad. By exposing yourself to this side of life, it helps balance out all of the negative stuff that you've encountered recently and helps prevent you from forming a negative attitude about people in general. (I still have a very engrained negative attitude about people in general unfortunately)

3) The best way to combat evil in this world is with GOOD. If you live your life promoting the GOOD in yourself, then it might inspire others to do the same or at the very least will set a good example for others.

I know, it all sounds kinda 'feel good' lame, but it seriously works and it is founded in psychology. (For me at least -- My charity of choice is Relay For Life

Edited November 27, 200718 yr by FUTURE_OF_GM

You guys all make sense, I've been doing better for the most part.

Agreed FoG, I too have been thinking that maybe I can cleanse

my mind by volunteering somehow... Wish I had the time tough,

as it is I only see my daughter Sofia about twice a week and only

for a few hours.

On a semi-related note Sofia's daycare director asked me to bring

by the B-59 for "vehicle exploration day" to complement the fire

truck, police car & classic pickup that are supposed to be there.

It should be fun, esp. since MY calssic car is a daily driver and I do

not care if kids crawl in and out of it, get fingerprints on the glass

or leave cheezit crumbs & footprints on the backseat, Sofia does

that already everyday, besides, they're seatcovers.

It's funny how Sofia always knows I'm there to pick her up when

I'm driving the B-59 but if I pick her up in the Mercedes or Datsun

she's oblivious to my arrival.

Edited November 29, 200718 yr by Sixty8panther