I've been on a Chuck Norris joke kick as of late....

My top three favorites:

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars,

that's why there's no signs of life.

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Chuck Norris ate an ENTIRE birthday cake

once before his friends could stop him &

tell him there was a stripper inside.

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Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st

right to April 2nd. Why...? Because f***ing

NOBODY fools Chucj Norris!

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Post any good ones YOU know/find.

I've been on a Chuck Norris joke kick as of late....

No kidding, I've got at least four Chuck Norris related texts from you lately. Admit it, you secretly long to be his lover.

Maybe Chuck can take you for a nice, long ride in his Ridgeline.

Dude, I heard those are really badass trucks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdD54rG9oQA

the mother load

the ones chuck picked.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

some of my favs

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Outer space exists because space is scared to be on the same planet as chuck norris

godzilla was a graphical depiction of chuck norris' visit to japan.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

I like Chuck Norris. He is a pretty good guy.

Chuck Norris CAN Believe It's Not Butter.

In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it to get a job. This was the creation of the universe.

Chuck Norris was born by cesarian section: he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris was originally going to be an unlockable character in Street Fighter, but was removed from the final version because the only move the character could do was a roundhouse kick. When asked about the bug, Chuck Norris said "What bug?"

Chuck Norris can beat a wall at tennis.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd.

What's more deadly than Chuck Norris with a gun? Chuck Norris without a gun.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

DF: Hey if you're going to "borrow" my

member title you could at least ask,

they're supposed to be customizabe

so they're original.

No kidding, I've got at least four Chuck Norris related texts from you lately. Admit it, you secretly long to be his lover.

HA, ha, ha.

Annnnd... I thought you said you WEREN'T getting any texts because of the phone snafu?!

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

I can't beleive I have not heard/read either of those before.

They're both awesome!

- Chuck Norris counted to infinity... TWICE.

- The great wall of China was constructed to keep Chuck Norris out, it failed miserably.

- Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has NEVER cried.

- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

- C.N. once asked for an Egg-McMuffin at McDonald's, when the girl at the counter told

him that he could not have one because it was 10:35 and they were serving lunch

C.N. roundhouse kicked the restaurant so hard it became a Wendy's.

- Scientist have determined that the total energy release from the big-bang was about

equal to 1.0 ChNRdHK, (one Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick)

- Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's Potato Chip.

- C.N. can change an oil-pn gasket without draining the oil. (from my buddy Duffy in AZ)

and I've made up a few other the years, here's one I came up with the other day:

- Chuck Norris HAS driven a Ford lately, but the only Mustang HE owns is powered by

a R.R. V-12 and has .50 caliber machine guns mounted on its wings!

Lost all respect for the guy when he started selling Ridgelines.

Apparently, Chuck Norris has now grown a p***y

Yeah... I HATE that stupid ad.

But the jokes ARE funny IMHO. (I'm a child of the 1980s)

- Chuck Norris & Mr.T walk into a bar, the building explodes instantly,

NO single structure on plant earth can contain THAT much "coolness."

I read somewhere last week that Chuck Norris was the actor who was originally wanted to play the role of Red Foreman on "That '70s Show". Somehow, that would've changed that character......

Cort | 35swm | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker ...RT 66 drive = Sept '09

WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"You probably won't remember me" ... Jan Arden ... 'Insensitive'

Is this 2005 again?

I read somewhere last week that Chuck Norris was the actor who was originally wanted to play the role of Red Foreman on "That '70s Show". Somehow, that would've changed that character......

Cort | 35swm | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker ...RT 66 drive = Sept '09

WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"You probably won't remember me" ... Jan Arden ... 'Insensitive'

Now there's an understatement!

:AH-HA_wink:

Now there's an understatement!

:AH-HA_wink:

LOL!

Yeah, I could NOT believe it when I read that. I mean ... can you imagine him the husband of Kitty? Oh heck no.

Is this 2005 again?

Sime people are just behind the curve. 4 years behind to be exact.

Sorry I don't devote every second of my day to keep up with all the latest o the www. 'net.

Besides, stupid humor like this is timeless.... (as is sodomy)

I know theyve been around a while, but some of them still give me a good laugh. I thought of one for you yesterday, Sly, while I was riding at lunch:

"Chuck Noris once stared at a woman for ten seconds. Nine months later she gave birth to septuplets."

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

True. Newton's third law of motion.

Jack Bauer > Chuck Norris.

Most people and things >Chuck Norris

By the way, if you really want them, Nick posted just about every Chuck Norris joke possible a while back. A long while back.

True. Newton's third law of motion.

Yeah, there's a million sites, of course I think the

original was "chucknorrisfacts.com" where 80%

are just stupid funny... most give me a chuckle,

but there's a few that are priceless.

It's just a stupid kick we've been on at work, me

& a buddy of mine at UPS pass the time by making

up our own.... like

When Chuck Norris goes to the supermarket he

does not take paper OR plastic... only kind of bags

he takes are body bags for all the bastards who try

to sneak 13 items through the 12-items or less isle.

LOL @ Oldsmoboi

haha i love chuck norris jokes.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero!

Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.

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Chuck Norris always gets the same 3 toppings on his pizza:

1.) drywall screws

2.) .40 caliber bullets

3.) Kryptonite

(that's one of my own)

Jack Bauer > Chuck Norris.

Jack Carver > Jack Bauer

Edited February 5, 200917 yr by siegen

Curriosity did not kill the cat, Chuck Norris did.

He roundhouse kicked it so hard it lost all nine

lives in one fell swoop... but the cat had it

coming, NOBODY eats Chuck's tuna sandwich!

Chuck Norris performs late term abortions on the mentally handicapped teenage girls he rapes.

Offensive? Probably, but no less funny than any other Chuck Norris joke.

Jack Carver > Jack Bauer

Jack Carver > Jack Bauer

Gregory House > both of them.

Chuck Norris performs late term abortions on the mentally handicapped teenage girls he rapes.

Offensive? Probably, but no less funny than any other Chuck Norris joke.

No, actually most people know to not cross THAT line.

chuck norris' alarm clock doenst have a snooze button, he roundhouse kicks it and time stops for 10 minutes. thusly chuck norris is never late

(mine)

chuck norris' alarm clock doenst have a snooze button, he roundhouse kicks it and time stops for 10 minutes. thusly chuck norris is never late

(mine)

Well done.

Since we're posting our own:

Actually, Chuck Norris CAN sew a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

No, actually most people know to not cross THAT line.

I only crossed one line? I must be losing my touch. I knew I should have kept the cannibalistic and racial elements in there.

Rape is not funny.

Esp. outside of prison, nevermind involving a teenage girl.

Chuck Norris jokes also aren't funny.

Ohhhh....I thought of another one thats so not-funny, it shows how retarded Chuck Norris jokes are.

Chuck Norris denies the Holocaust.

That's not a Chuck Norris Joke, just more deflection.

Don't like the thread, think it's useless?

No one made you open it or post in it.

And of all the members on here who

have no place to talk about dumb,

mindeless humor, you are the King of

that particular transgression.

Chuck Norris jokes also aren't funny.

shhhhhh, he can hear you.

shhhhhh, he can hear you.

Chuck Norris can hear the TV even when it's muted,

from three ZIP codes away...

Chuck Norris jokes also aren't funny.

Maybe I should buy you both some boxing gloves and rent out an arena for all of C&G to watch?

I wish you both would get over it, seriously.

When I get home, babe, gonna light your fire

All day I've been thinkin' about you, babe

You're my one desire

Gonna wrap my arms around you

Hold you close to me

Oh, babe I wanna taste your lips

I wanna fill your fantasy, yeah

I don't what I'd do without you, babe

Don't know where I'd be

You're not just another lover

No, you're everything to me

Everytime I'm with you, baby

I can't believe it's true

When you're layin' in my arms

'N' you do the things you do

You can see it in my eyes

I can feel it in your touch

You don't have to say a thing

Just let me show how much

Love you, need you, yeah

I wanna kiss you all over

And over again

I wanna kiss you all over

Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in

Stay with me, lay with me,

holding me, loving me, baby

Here with me, near with me,

feeling you close to me, baby

So show me, show me everything you do

'cause baby no one does it quite like you

Love you, need you, oh, babe

I wanna kiss you all over

And over again

I wanna kiss you all over

Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in

[Fading]

Till the night closes in

I don't recall asking you to make me laugh Satty